I am still not placed after two weeks and it is a real bummer. Eye-opener of sorts. I can't say that there is a silver lining here but I am forced to think in retrospect. What went wrong, what and where I lacked.
The thing is placements are too random to pass a judgement on yourself. But I can't hide from the fact that the guys, who I was certain will get offers within the first three days, got it. So again not that random to not admit that something in me was at fault too.
To begin with, I lacked confidence all through the session. All through the interviews, I felt like I was scratching a lottery ticket hoping luck turns my way. As fucked up as it is, I was hoping for them to commit a mistake of hiring me. That's what I thought about my job offer, a mistake on their part.
Really crazy how those minor psychological flaws manifest in the interviews. Afraid of being wrong, taking the easy route, not challenging yourself, things of that sort.
As under confident as I was, there were other feelings that took away the spotlight from the better part of me. Like the fear of not getting placed for the past year. I only worried and felt like that I don't have it in me that companies would value. That's the worst part of it, you know. Setting value for yourself too low to distance yourself away from race, that you were set to run. One might trick oneself into believing that setting humble goals will serve as baby steps but essentially it is just escaping from the realities. IITs have brutal competition and you thrive only by throwing yourself into the crowd. It's kind of like how you move in a mob. You just get in the middle of procession and the crowd moves you forward. It is uncomfortable, sure, but it gets you where all go, which is what you want to.
I see now, little clearly, that how I value my time, capabilities, skills are reflected in my conversation and my dialogue and it isn't hard for interviewers to pick those signs up. And they should too. A company cannot benefit from people who don't believe themselves and value themselves.
I can't just whine and rant endlessly over the randomness of the placements.
I gotta say though, this placement gifted me with the confidence that was missing for quite a while. Like Neo from The Matrix
I am beginning to believe in myself.
I was lost and when you are lost even the most natural phenomenon haunt you. The rustling of leaves, the gushing of water, the animals' sounds, that might be cheerful normally haunt you in the dark night. That's how I felt about every human activity. Every accomplishment intimidated me.
My theory is that this placement exposed my greatest fear. It stripped me of the only shroud I so desperately wanted to cover myself with. Now that it is all out I have nothing to hide. Nothing to prove to anybody.
It might just be the best thing to come out of this failure.
So I am at a junction where I have no option but to be confident. I see no alternative than to believe in my capabilities and skills.
The Dream Machine: J.C.R. Licklider and the Revolution That Made Computing Personal by M. Mitchell Waldrop
