Placement Diaries

I am still not placed after two weeks and it is a real bummer. Eye-opener of sorts. I can't say that there is a silver lining here but I am forced to think in retrospect. What went wrong, what and where I lacked.

The thing is placements are too random to pass a judgement on yourself. But I can't hide from the fact that the guys, who I was certain will get offers within the first three days, got it. So again not that random to not admit that something in me was at fault too.

To begin with, I lacked confidence all through the session. All through the interviews, I felt like I was scratching a lottery ticket hoping luck turns my way. As fucked up as it is, I was hoping for them to commit a mistake of hiring me. That's what I thought about my job offer, a mistake on their part.

Really crazy how those minor psychological flaws manifest in the interviews. Afraid of being wrong, taking the easy route, not challenging yourself, things of that sort.

As under confident as I was, there were other feelings that took away the spotlight from the better part of me. Like the fear of not getting placed for the past year. I only worried and felt like that I don't have it in me that companies would value. That's the worst part of it, you know. Setting value for yourself too low to distance yourself away from race, that you were set to run. One might trick oneself into believing that setting humble goals will serve as baby steps but essentially it is just escaping from the realities. IITs have brutal competition and you thrive only by throwing yourself into the crowd. It's kind of like how you move in a mob. You just get in the middle of procession and the crowd moves you forward. It is uncomfortable, sure, but it gets you where all go, which is what you want to.

I see now, little clearly, that how I value my time, capabilities, skills are reflected in my conversation and my dialogue and it isn't hard for interviewers to pick those signs up. And they should too. A company cannot benefit from people who don't believe themselves and value themselves.

I can't just whine and rant endlessly over the randomness of the placements. 

I gotta say though, this placement gifted me with the confidence that was missing for quite a while. Like Neo from The Matrix

 I am beginning to believe in myself.

I was lost and when you are lost even the most natural phenomenon haunt you. The rustling of leaves, the gushing of water, the animals' sounds, that might be cheerful normally haunt you in the dark night. That's how I felt about every human activity. Every accomplishment intimidated me. 

My theory is that this placement exposed my greatest fear. It stripped me of the only shroud I so desperately wanted to cover myself with. Now that it is all out I have nothing to hide. Nothing to prove to anybody. 

It might just be the best thing to come out of this failure.

So I am at a junction where I have no option but to be confident. I see no alternative than to believe in my capabilities and skills. 

The cost of freedom

Everywhere in debates, you hear 'humans are born free' as a justification to libertarian arguments. But nobody asks about how we live after we are born. Humans may be born free but they can't live free-at least not in its ideal sense. We have to fit in the society, learn the regional language and get accustomed to the prevailing culture. It is a great sacrifice to the major part of that freedom-as-a-birthright we make even before we are capable of making conscious decisions. 

The fact that we see followers of religions, ideologies, cults so invested in them that they will do anything the leader says also speaks of the innate desire of humans.

Ok, that is just a rant. There exists the freedom in decision making for an individual as he grows up. The society has the roles set and it is up to us which role we accept. I guess that's the freedom most of us wish for and enjoy-to make that decision on our own. Once we choose a role for ourselves another part of freedom is lost. Now you have to perform as society expects from that role. If you lag behind you can only blame yourself because it was your decision in the first place. If you want to switch the role to suit yourself you have to take the blame of being a failure because it was you who chose that.

That my friend is the cost of freedom. 

It is a lifetime burden if things don't work out or a lifetime joy if everything works fine. It is in the truest sense a coin flip. 

Are you willing to take the risk? 

Apparently few do. I guess that's why you see a few leaders and many followers. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

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Life at IITR-A rant

On the hot day of July 2017 I found myself going through the list of students enrolled and their appointed time of registration pasted on the notice board outside the convocation hall.I immediately recalled from the campus tour that the same convocation had been used during WW2. Past two months had been the best 2 months of my life.Everyone who knew me or any of my acquaintances congratulated me and I had successfully done(though not fully satisfied with my college and branch) what I had been preparing for for 2 years before .But that day I had a different feeling.I was finally at the place I had more or less aspired to be. I was in awe when I explored the beautiful  and the vibrant(atleast it felt that way then) campus.

I registered,paid the fees got my room and settled after a long pleasantly hectic day. The next week was supposed to be orientation week.It got from interesting to boring as hell. Early in the morning the sirens would go off and we were supposed to assemble at the convocation hall only to sleep to the boring speakers meddled with some relieving performances of dance group. The hot humid Roorkee weather and uncomfortable AF seats made the experience even worse.

As the week came to an end I was relieved. One would think life would get better from there. But it just got worse and worse. I remember the first day of college and the disappointment on listening to professors.I have had best sleeps listening to them. Their monotonous monologues while reading from a script right in front of them and their showing lack of interest made it particularly difficult for me. I had not cracked JEE by self-studying. I studied from best teachers.There is no shame in that. Not just the teachers but the course curriculum was so off,except for few courses. But that was not it. I learned about the placement scenario of my branch and the reality blew in my face. Up until then my perception of IIT was a magical land where every one passed out with a fat salary.

The realities just kept unveiling before me. 

For the next few months I took advice from seniors and started "exploring"(The word has become so cliched to me that I hate using it) different options. But just when I started digging into anything the exams approached. I stepped up from disliking civil engineering to despising it. The courses became more and more department specific and I had no motivation to attend lectures and labs which sadly occupies most of the time.
 And so passed the first year.
"Rate of change of time is positive in B.Tech and in life as general" I concluded .That is time as we perceive it moves faster as it moves.I had learnt few things and had been switching my hobbies.
As second year started,because of some seniors' advice added with the popular IIT culture, I started coding.Started algorithms and data structures.But not for long before I paused it for exams and had hard time resuming it. I kept coming back and pausing it like that and thus passed the second year.My grades went down in the fourth semester.
At the end of fourth semester students generally apply for internship.NOT ME.I went home wasted the summer vacation watching movies and stuff,which looking back at my college life so far accounts for most of the time. 
Why did I cave in? Why didn't I fight?
Well that's the problem. I have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what I am fighting and what weapons I possess.
I have learnt a lot,I admit.But nothing you can't learn at home. So why waste all the money.

 Looking back at it I think the only reason for my stagnation was related to my ambition. Up until then my only goal was to get into IIT irrespective of branch. And when I got in I had nothing to strive for. Ever since then I am trying to set a goal in my life but it just keeps changing and with every month passing I keep worrying about it. Yet another reason is the time mismanagement. I keep loosing my time on social media while my time towards academia is decreasing exponentially.

There is lot to learn and lot to figure out in my life. And I don't think I am the only one feeling that way. There may be hundreds of students struggling with similar issues. I just hope I learn and make my stay at IIT worth all the time and sacrifices.