Life at IITR-A rant

On the hot day of July 2017 I found myself going through the list of students enrolled and their appointed time of registration pasted on the notice board outside the convocation hall.I immediately recalled from the campus tour that the same convocation had been used during WW2. Past two months had been the best 2 months of my life.Everyone who knew me or any of my acquaintances congratulated me and I had successfully done(though not fully satisfied with my college and branch) what I had been preparing for for 2 years before .But that day I had a different feeling.I was finally at the place I had more or less aspired to be. I was in awe when I explored the beautiful  and the vibrant(atleast it felt that way then) campus.

I registered,paid the fees got my room and settled after a long pleasantly hectic day. The next week was supposed to be orientation week.It got from interesting to boring as hell. Early in the morning the sirens would go off and we were supposed to assemble at the convocation hall only to sleep to the boring speakers meddled with some relieving performances of dance group. The hot humid Roorkee weather and uncomfortable AF seats made the experience even worse.

As the week came to an end I was relieved. One would think life would get better from there. But it just got worse and worse. I remember the first day of college and the disappointment on listening to professors.I have had best sleeps listening to them. Their monotonous monologues while reading from a script right in front of them and their showing lack of interest made it particularly difficult for me. I had not cracked JEE by self-studying. I studied from best teachers.There is no shame in that. Not just the teachers but the course curriculum was so off,except for few courses. But that was not it. I learned about the placement scenario of my branch and the reality blew in my face. Up until then my perception of IIT was a magical land where every one passed out with a fat salary.

The realities just kept unveiling before me. 

For the next few months I took advice from seniors and started "exploring"(The word has become so cliched to me that I hate using it) different options. But just when I started digging into anything the exams approached. I stepped up from disliking civil engineering to despising it. The courses became more and more department specific and I had no motivation to attend lectures and labs which sadly occupies most of the time.
 And so passed the first year.
"Rate of change of time is positive in B.Tech and in life as general" I concluded .That is time as we perceive it moves faster as it moves.I had learnt few things and had been switching my hobbies.
As second year started,because of some seniors' advice added with the popular IIT culture, I started coding.Started algorithms and data structures.But not for long before I paused it for exams and had hard time resuming it. I kept coming back and pausing it like that and thus passed the second year.My grades went down in the fourth semester.
At the end of fourth semester students generally apply for internship.NOT ME.I went home wasted the summer vacation watching movies and stuff,which looking back at my college life so far accounts for most of the time. 
Why did I cave in? Why didn't I fight?
Well that's the problem. I have no idea what I want to do. I have no idea what I am fighting and what weapons I possess.
I have learnt a lot,I admit.But nothing you can't learn at home. So why waste all the money.

 Looking back at it I think the only reason for my stagnation was related to my ambition. Up until then my only goal was to get into IIT irrespective of branch. And when I got in I had nothing to strive for. Ever since then I am trying to set a goal in my life but it just keeps changing and with every month passing I keep worrying about it. Yet another reason is the time mismanagement. I keep loosing my time on social media while my time towards academia is decreasing exponentially.

There is lot to learn and lot to figure out in my life. And I don't think I am the only one feeling that way. There may be hundreds of students struggling with similar issues. I just hope I learn and make my stay at IIT worth all the time and sacrifices.